


i am an Artist (please God forgive me)

by ojangel



Series: the gays are getting a platform (it’s about time!) [2]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Famous Richie Tozier, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, POV Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, The Author Regrets Nothing, idk what this is actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24107722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ojangel/pseuds/ojangel
Summary: The man, he pretends not to notice, is squinting up at the menu sign hung by the counter, seemingly in his own world. Eddie shuffles past (their shoulders brush. Touch, touch, touch), and then the waiter is talking and Eddie is ordering, but not really living.(or, my self-indulgent musician!Richie AU)
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: the gays are getting a platform (it’s about time!) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568068
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	i am an Artist (please God forgive me)

**@RichieTozier** : #TozierHuman - Official Trailer. It's real, raw, and most importantly all about me. Find it on Netflix, May 20! R x

_Replies_ :

**@SunnyTxzier** : wow so we're really gonna get a while documentary about Richie and Eddie falling in love, huh? catch me crying in aisle 6 for the next yeAR

**@MaddieO** : omg Richie is str8. Can y'all get over it lmao...

+

It started in a shitty restaurant planted in the middle of nowhere, and a sun that makes you want to drop dead as it glares through the dusty windows. Eddie was only awake from drinking three cups of coffee, and downing some pills that he'd snatched from his mother's bathroom earlier in the day. Sometimes, he wonders what his life would be if he'd just stayed home that day. He wonders if he'd prefer it to the life that has been forced onto him now, and privately thinks he wouldn't.

For the most part, it'd been a nice day. The kind of nice where the heat was truly terrible, but still managed to be comforting as Eddie typed up his first draft for a new short-story he was working on. Derry would, occasionally, publish the stuff that he submitted for their local newspaper. Nobody actually bothered reading it— except maybe Bill—, but Eddie would still feel accomplished whenever it happened, so here he was; sat at a corner-booth, utterly alone on a Saturday afternoon. It was just hitting two o'clock when Richie walked in.

The bell by the entrance had jingled, and Eddie, curious, had swept his gaze upwards and found himself meeting eyes with a wealthy-looking man who'd just come in. His hair was fluffy and black, falling over a set of silver-rimmed glasses. The frames did nothing but highlight the lovely brightness that occupied the man's eyes. Eddie had long since come to term with his attraction to boys and thus allowed himself a five-second admiring session before looking back down to his laptop. For some reason, the inspiration for an ending would no longer come. Eddie huffed and stood, ready to get another—

_that'll make four, Eddie-bear! you’re going to get addicted and what will your old mommy do, then?_

—cup of coffee. The man, he pretends not to notice, is squinting up at the menu sign hung by the counter, seemingly in his own world. Eddie shuffles past (their shoulders brush. Touch, touch, touch), and then the waiter is talking and Eddie is ordering, but not really living.

A nice day, indeed.

He sits down again. His laptop screen is glaringly bright, so he shuts it with only a pinch of regret. There's the rest of time to finish such an inconsequential story. At least, that's what Eddie will tell himself until he's burning up with writer's block. Bill always tells him, if he has an idea, to lock himself away from the world and only come back out when he's done. Eddie has tried this before, but distractions are distracting for a reason, so Billy's advice is pretty pointless.

Derry is not a good place to live. It's too small, with small-minded people and values. Eddie knows this, but cannot bring himself to leave as Bill did. There's something about the town, something so intricately woven into who Eddie is as a person, that it seems more part of him than anything else. And he hates it. If that means he hates himself, too, so be it.

"... just have that kind of face, actually. Yeah, I get it all the time. Uh-huh," the man was saying when Eddie decides a stranger is a normal thing to hyper-fixate on. "Mate, I'm not famous. Can I just get my doughnut? Thank you. Thanks. Goodbye."

Licking his lips, Eddie took a long sip of his coffee. It’s not very good and made his tongue tingle with a dirt-taste. He grimaced and headed for the bin situated beside the counter, but accidentally (it was on purpose. Everything about _Him_ was on purpose) bumps into the man on the way. They both splutter for a moment, until something slides into place, and Eddie feels finally seen as the man murmurs out a short apology.

A couple of minutes later, Richie had sat himself down in Eddie’s corner booth and was asking him questions about his story. He seemed genuinely interested, strangely enough, and Eddie was happy to exchange numbers afterwards.

Thus it begins.

+

**@Kat2002G** : Can someone pls tell me why #TrashmouthTozier is trending??? I'm so confused

**@GlossyTozier** : cuz my baby’s movie is getting released tomorrow!!!!

**@SunnyTxzier** : Richie's documentary is coming out tomorrow. he’s always been kind of like a private celebrity so everyone is hyped to get a little insight into his life basically. also, reddie lmao

+

The next time they saw each other, Eddie had been not quite drunk but not quite sober, either. Richie was begging to do karaoke together in the seat beside him.

The bar was stuffy, and Eddie sort of wants to go home, but still gets up to sing, anyway. They do a wonderful rendition of the song ‘Halo’, before getting a cab back to Richie’s apartment. They’ve been texting and calling on and off for three months, but this would be the first night they spend with each other. Eddie has only been in New York for two weeks. He had briefly thought about what his mother would say— _Come back home, baby. You’re not yourself with this man._

Richie put on some old movie, and Eddie was already falling asleep by the opening scene. “D’you wanna go to bed?”

“Mmh,” murmured Eddie, though neither men make an effort to move. They lay against each other till the early morning, legs tangled on Richie’s expensive couch.

(Richie will privately always think of Beyoncé’s Halo as their song, after that, and wonders if it would be appropriate to play at their wedding.)

+

The film, ‘Tozier Human’, starts with a clip of Richie on stage. He’s got his guitar in his arms, sweat gleaming on his pale face, and a crowd of screaming fans in front of him. Despite the number of people who occupy the stadium, there’s still something personal about the concert. With his hoodie and easy smile, Richie Tozier practically oozes with whatever that thing is which makes celebrities so special. Not a single person in that area would disagree.

“This time last year, I wasn’t really in a great place. I was lonely and had a pretty shit management team. But on the plus side, my boss let me hire a little assistant who drank too much coffee and spent an unnatural amount of money on his clothes.” There’s a pause. His audience waits silently, despite already knowing the story. Everybody knows the story. “Eddie is a lot. We don’t always get along. Sometimes we’ll fight for days and I’d be suffocating with the disappointment I just assumed he felt for me. But he’s also my other half like we’re a pair of those fuckin’ friendship necklaces that line up when together but are never complete when they’re apart. We fit.

“I wrote this song for you. I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, sweetheart, but I hope you’re watching. I always am.”

Richie blows a kiss into the dark. He begins to play ...

+

_RISING MUSICIAN ‘RICHARD TOZIER’ SPOTTED WITH MODEL, ‘BEVERLY MARSH’_

**It’s official guys.** Our favourite rising celebs, musician Richie Tozier and model Bev Marsh, have been seen together on multiple occasions in the last few months. Photos of the two getting cosy in cinemas and coffee shops have been leaked, and the internet is going crazy over them.

Although no statements have made been from either party, it is clear to anyone with eyes that Tozier and Marsh are enjoying each others company. Many fans have decided this is a good thing, despite gay rumours that have circulated about both in the past. Others, however, have decided the two are a terrible match and will be terrible influences on the other.

If you’d like to contribute to this debate, send out a tweet with the hashtag #Bevchie, a popular ship name created by Tumblr user @RchieTczier.

[photo of Beverly and Richie chatting over a table covered in sandwiches, both wearing hats and sunglasses]

[Photo of “Bevchie” talking with Tozier’s assistant, Edward Kaspbrak]

[Photo of Kaspbrak whispering something into Tozier’s ear, while the latter and Marsh smiles]

+

**@SunnyTxzier** : straight people are fucking insane. they see a photo of a woman and man talking and think Oh, Well they MUST be dating. It’s not like two people of the opposite gender can be FRIENDS or anything :/

**@Katie_03** : go off, sis!

**@GlossyTozier** : seriously!!!!! and like, how can they say Richie and Beverly are dating when Eddie is literally RIGHT THERE

**@SunnyTxzier** : wait i didn't even notice i was so angry with the #bevchie thing. Richie looks fucking smitten with Eddie oof. maybe Bev was third-wheeling...

+

It starts, and it ends, and it starts again.

Eddie knew it wasn’t healthy. A couple of months spent texting, and then becoming the guy’s fucking assistant is not enough to sustain a real relationship. And, really, it wasn’t a relationship. They were just fucking.

This time around it ends when Richie is photographed with his arms around the waist of a woman that Eddie has never met before.

And— and it’s not like it matters. They’re not _anything_. You can’t be, here, with Richie being an actual celebrity, and Eddie having a new schedule with each week. But still, Eddie had assumed (wrongly, it seems), that Richie wasn’t just galloping about and fucking whoever spared him the time of day. Not when he had Eddie to do that.

It hurts, because ... It just does.

Eddie ignores the next few texts from Richie, the ones that he now notices are only ever wondering if they’re in the same city for a quick hookup, or if perhaps Eddie would be down to sneak Richie out of some interviews early so they can make out like a couple of fucking teenagers.

He doesn’t ignore the drunken call he receives the night of his birthday, because Richie hates getting drunk.

“Baby, just - just call me back, okay? I got you a nice. Um. What’s the word?” a snap echoed in Eddie’s ear. A voice came from someone that wasn’t Richie. “Yes! A present! I got you a present, Eds. It’s real pretty. You’re gonna love it—“

The audio had cut off there, and Eddie had immediately driven to Richie’s apartment and waited till the early hours for him to get home.

Richie does, eventually, turn up, cheeks flushed and all alone.

“You came,” whispered Richie, “I thought...”

“Yes, well,” said Eddie, embarrassed. “You promised me a gift?”

Richie ran off to his bedroom and came back with a small velvet box. For a horrifying moment, Eddie thinks _Oh my God, he’s proposing!!_ but it ended up just being a charm bracelet. There was a cat charm, which Eddie fell in love with, as well as a dangling R and T. It was impossibly sweet.

“Thank you.”

“I figure it’s the closest thing to a pet you’ll get, what with your allergies and all,” replied Richie, rubbing the back of his neck. Black curls fell over the tops of his glasses, shielding his big and emotive eyes. “Anyway, you’re welcome.”

And so things start again.

+

Richie’s career starts when he uploads his first cover onto Youtube. He hadn’t gone in wanting to be famous; he’d gone in wanting to be liked. But then his channel got scarily big, and suddenly there were fans and a manager and fake relationships and promises to _Never tell, Richie. Never about that._ To the public, he’s a seemingly permanent bachelor, a player, a lover. To the public, he’s straight.

There was one time, when he’d almost gotten caught. It was a video— too dark to see anything, so most people went off the audio. Richie had been doing a little kissing, a little dancing with a man who is now faceless in the memory. His publicity team had unanimously decided it’d be better for his reputation to announce the video was of a fight (all those grunts. Slapping skin), rather than two men together.

Richie regrets a lot of things.

+

**@RichieTozier** : Look who finally joined Twitter !

**@EddieK** : this has nothing to do with u

**@SunnyTxzier** : oh my go oh my god oh mt god

+

“And your love life? Any updates there?”

Cameras flash around him. Richie puts on a special smile, the one that Eddie liked to call his Time-To-Please-The-Public smile. “No, no, I’m still on the market.”

The interviewer laughs, and that was that. Richie’s eyes burn for the rest of the evening.

+

**@EddieK** : my first book ‘Bird-Bound’ is officially published! go check it out if you'd like!!!

**@RichieTozier** : Everyone should go read Eddie Kaspbrak’s new book right now. Thank you, bye

+

Stan is a good manager, Eddie tells himself. He’s gay as well and has Eddie come out almost immediately, so there aren’t any misunderstandings with the public. He’s a good man, too. A smart man, who only has good intentions.

“I think we should stop,” says Eddie into his phone, pretending that his heart isn’t beating wildly in his chest.

“Stop what?” Richie asks. He sounds only half-interested. “Eds?”

“This friends with benefits thing,” Eddie rushes out. “Stan’s setting me up with someone and—“

“We don’t have to stop just cause of some PR relationship, Spaghetti. We didn’t when I dated Sandy,” Richie says.

A little annoyed breath slips out of Eddie’s mouth. “It’s not for work. Stan thinks it’s sad that I’ve never had a proper relationship, and he reckons me and this guy called Don will get on.”

There’s a choking sound from Richie’s end, and then Eddie is getting hung up on.

This is how it ends.

+

_‘TOZIER: HUMAN’ REVIEW - YOUNG CELEB REVEALS A LONG-KEPT SECRET_

**In the most** recent Netflix documentary depicting a star’s progression to fame, we get a slice of Richard Tozier’s mysterious life and the people in it.

The most significant being, the star’s sexuality, which has been argued about since Richie was introduced to the world, through the star’s Youtube channel. In a video from 2015, these rumours first sprang up, as fans argued about whether Richie was kissing a man, or fighting him. Although his management at the time claimed the sounds were depicting a fight, Tozier’s documentary paints a different side of the story...

+

The second scene in the movie is one of an older woman. She bears a frightening resemblance to Richie, though her eyes are brown rather than blue. She’s also a little tanner. It’s Maggie Tozier.

A question is asked by somebody behind the camera. Maggie answers with a smile. “Did I always know Richie would make it so big? Of course not. I’d hoped that whatever his job turned out to be, he’d end up happy. As a kid, he would always come to me and go, ‘Mommy, I’m gonna be a comedian when I grow up’ or an astronaut, author, journalist, and so on. My boy always had such _dreams_.”

“Are you proud of him?”

“Proud doesn’t even begin to capture how much joy fills me when I see him on television, or receiving an award, or when a new record comes out. I’m— sorry, can I swear?” A mumbled yes comes from the interviewer. “I’m so fucking happy for Richie. His father would be, too.”

Richie turns up after a few more questions. Maggie wraps an arm around his skinny shoulders. The sun shines on him, turning his skin a pale pink. “Hello, darling. Where’s Eddie?”

“Busy,” replies Richie, obviously not in the mood for talk of this Eddie character. “Am I not good enough company for you?”

She gives him a stern eye. They look back at the camera with a similar expression.

“Last question, Mrs Tozier, if it’s not too personal. How did you feel when Richie came out to you? Were you expecting it?”

“That was two questions,” interrupts Richie.

“Richard, hush,” Maggie says. “And as to actually answering them... I think in my heart, I knew it was coming. But at the same time, I hoped I was just imagining it. I’d seen what people like him go through, and didn’t ever wanna get a call telling me that my boy was found beaten up in a ditch for getting called a-a fag.” Her voice catches. Richie stares off-camera. “But then I saw him with his first few flings, and I forgot my worries. He was happier being himself, and I wouldn’t ever take that away from him.

“So when my only son came out to me, I said that I wouldn’t ever stop loving him, and that was that.”

Richie kisses her cheek. The next scene is a zoomed-in shot of a giggling redheaded girl. Spaghetti sauce is found in the corner of her chin.

+

**@SunnyTxzier** : hello I’m rewatching Tozier: Human again and can Maggie Tozier please be my mum? I'm crying

**@RichieTozier** : I texted her and she said yes

+

The night after Richie’s documentary comes out, Eddie is binge-eating on ice-cream and bacon sandwiches, because he feels like he always did before leaving Derry; before meeting Richie. He’s thinking about that day they’d met, and all the days after that, and what it means in the whole timeline of the universe. They mean nothing to the universe, that’s clear enough, but Richie means a lot to Eddie, and maybe that’s what love is. Not the universe, but something close to it.

Break-ups, it turns out, always make Eddie feel pretty philosophical. He briefly wonders if it would make sense to anybody if he put it in a book. He doubts it would; it hardly makes sense to himself.

Eddie keeps replaying that scene of Richie reacting to one of his last videos put up on Youtube, the one where he’d covered _What Makes You Beautiful_ , despite saying right at the beginning how he knew the future him would regret it. Eddie had been behind the camera at the time, giggling and making fun of Richie, until Rich finally gave in and pulled Eddie into a kiss. Things had been good.

Things aren’t good, anymore.

The whole Don thing had fizzled out before it could really begin. Stan even admits that they didn’t make a good match. Eddie’s glad there have been no more attempts to set him up, since.

Eddie doesn’t know what to do. He’d broken up with Richie because he’d been under the assumption that they would never go public together, but now Richie is out and he _still_ hasn’t called and Eddie is fucking crying again because he was born lonely and he’s going to die in the same damn way.

It’s raining. His apartment window is sparkling with clear raindrops, which slowly race each other to the bottom. Eddie watches with a blurry feeling in his veins, _pitter-patters_ drowning his ears.

There’s a knock.

Eddie ignores them; not entirely hearing it.

It comes again. Once, twice, thrice.

Eddie, hesitating slightly, stands up. He pulls his blanket around his shoulders like a king would wear a cape and bounded toward the front door.

He opens it just a crack, and the hallway light casts a pizza slice into the living-room. One of Richie’s eyes makes it into Eddie’s vision; the corner is crinkled with a relieved smile. “Eds? You wanna let me in?”

Hardly daring to breathe, Eddie shakes his head. He thinks this might be a dream.

“That’s okay, I guess. I just, um... I wanted to say that even though I do joke around a lot, you mean a lot to me. You’re more than just a hookup. You’re my friend, and I know you’re with Don now, but I still want you in my life so please if you could—“

Eddie swings the door open further, and dumps himself into Richie’s arms.

_Fin_.

**Author's Note:**

> idk if this even makes any sense lol but whatever


End file.
